Bein' a Berean
…outside the box but inside God's Word...
We find in the metaphorical living rooms of most men's lives the elephant that no one wants to talk about, choosing instead to walk around it, ignoring the obstacle to relationship and fellowship that it is. This obstacle is the issue of porn or pornography.
It’s been said that, as bitterness is the besetting sin for most women, porn is that sin for most men.
Why is porn an issue for men?
Three primary factors motivate a man's interest in porn—Emotional, Spiritual, and Biological.
Because of emotional wounds and childhood abuse many among us have personality disorders that leave us susceptible to addictive behaviours. This may evidence itself as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Repetitive Stress Disorder, substance abuse—alcohol, drugs, meds, sugar, chocolate, porn, soap operas, smoking, relationships, McDonald’s food, coffee etc., or porn.
Demonic Oppression involves a spiritual drivenness to satisfy the lusts of unrighteous spirits. There is usually a self-rooted base into which the demonic entities gain access and assert influence.
These two—emotional issues and spiritual ones—can be easier to resolve for Christians through inner healing and/or listening prayer.
I’d like to address the biology issues.
Biological
Paul wrote:
“Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of [porneia], each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command.” (1 Corinthians7:1-6 NASB)
It appears to be recognized, here in these scriptures, that withholding sexual gratification from each other, makes us more susceptible to temptations outside of marriage.
The man’s need for periodic testosterone release is also evidenced by the occasional “wet dreams" where he experiences arousal and ejaculation in his sleep. Testosterone levels are very high at this point.
Pornography, and sexual sin, are rampant even within the body of Christ and have caused many prominent and influential Christian leaders to immorality and to hurt countless people as a result.
However, for many, porn, itself, is not the goal, rather, for men, it achieves the arousal that is necessary for masturbation and the release of growing sexual tension. Being deprived of a periodic testosterone (T) release is the attraction to porn.
“When a male's T-levels rise beyond a certain point, he can hardly help but have sex on his mind virtually all the time. That's why it's not at all uncommon to hear a male's behavior described as "testosterone-driven.”1
While there is a decrease in testosterone production as men age it seems not to decrease as abruptly as it does in women especially so with peri and post-menopause. While there is still a draw to sexual intimacy and intercourse the frequency or need for many is far less. The spouse with the lesser need usually governs the frequency.
Some have suggested that if newlyweds were to deposit a penny in a jar for every time they had sex during the first year of marriage and removed a penny every time thereafter, the jar would never be emptied.
I would suggest that because of the frequency of intercourse in the early years of marriage porn would not be a strong attraction for the husband. Thereafter, however, in the later years, that attraction would increase.
“Immediately after sexual release, men are physically satisfied. But as their sexual clock ticks on, sexual thoughts become more prevalent, and they are more easily aroused. The physical need for sexual release intensifies as sperm builds in the testicles.”2
As the T levels rise in the absence of regular release men are either drawn to the porn/arousal/masturbation cycle or they fight to suppress the drive-by avoiding all intimacy and thereby minimizing the possibility of unresolved arousal.
For Christian men, self-control works for a time, but it is often interlaced with lapses followed by guilt and remorse.
“Although the average wife acknowledges that her husband’s sex drive is stronger than hers, she still tends to underestimate the impact this one aspect has on their relationship. According to a poll of 150 Christian married men, 83 percent stated that they don’t believe that women understand a man’s sex drive.”3
In asking for a simple back rub the wife may not be aware that after 15-20 seconds of rubbing her back, the husband is no longer thinking of hockey or baseball or whatever it was he was doing. He is aroused and is too often left hanging in a state of unresolved sexual tension—and more reluctant to rub her back again. He is a pretty normal man.
A better solution involves an understanding wife who, aware of her husband’s physiological needs offers him arousal and release. That release could be via intercourse whereby she too would enjoy release or, at her discretion, it could simply involve manually4 giving him release should she not desire or need release.
I recall a cassette tape, years ago, wherein the aged wife of a well-known pastor/evangelist was teaching younger women to periodically seduce their husbands. She grew to recognize her husband’s need for a regular release to reduce rising T-levels.
Paul recommended, that the older women teach the younger women how to "love" their husbands.
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands [philandros], to love their children [philoteknos], to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” (Titus 2:3-5 NASB).
philandros - as a loving disposition of a wife toward her husband, loving one's husband, affectionate.5
philoteknos - loving one's children, duly parental.6
The reset of T-levels is a biological need akin to eating. It is not evil or dirty just a normal need. This need does require the wife’s awareness and attention since it grows over time so subtly that the man is often not aware of it until he finds himself drawn to even the soft porn images in public media. The lure of these purpose-driven advertisements becomes a non-issue where the husband’s needs are regularly met.
The benefit to the marriage relationship comes, among other things, from the willingness of the husband to enter into non-sexual intimacy, openness, and back rubs rather than expend those energies in a struggle against the effects of rising Testosterone levels.
1 The Testosterone Curse, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200904/the-testosterone-curse-part-1 © 2009 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
2 Sex Is a Physical Need, https://thebestwife.wordpress.com/sex-is-a-physical-need/
3 A Guide on How to be the Best Wife for your Husband - Understanding His Sexuality, https://thebestwife.wordpress.com/understanding-his-sexuality/
4 Ask your husband, he will be happy to teach you this method.
5 Friberg Analytical Greek Lexicon.
6 Mounce's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words
7 Ten Things Every Husband Wishes His Wife Knew About Sex, But Doesn’t Know Quite How To Tell Her, https://missionwife.wordpress.com/2012/08/05/10-things-sex/
