Bein' a Berean
…outside the box but inside God's Word...
Are you looking for a fulfilling marriage, one wherein you are both overrun with joy?
Have you ever confronted an alcoholic about their drinking addiction? Most often, you'll get a denial of a problem and sometimes a more emphatic or violent response. Occasionally, you'll connect with one who has become aware and has "ears to hear." This one is ready for change, recognizing a destructive pattern in their lives and relationships. This one can be helped. They see their willingness to allow alcohol to dictate their actions as the problem and want to redirect their will. The others are beyond reach, stuck in their addictive nature.
Your reaction to this article will follow one of these responses. If violent, I'm sorry to have upset you. Perhaps things will be different later. Please don't confuse the messenger with the real author of this message. For our good alone does God want us to be aware of our sinful nature, which makes us slaves to sin. Awareness and willingness to entertain solutions to that detrimental nature is the beginning of resolve and freedom.
Read on if you're tired of the destructive forces at work in marriages and relationships today.
God made promises when we follow his instructions.
“All these blessings will come upon you and overtake you if you obey the LORD your God” Deuteronomy 28:2 (NASB unless noted)
“If you obey my commandments, you will remain in my love… I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete.” John 15:10-11 (NET).
People engage in many activities to pursue temporary joy, ultimately ending in profound emptiness. Real, lasting joy comes through obedience.
Obeying someone motivated by selfish needs or ulterior motives is tantamount to slavery—you serve their needs. However, choosing to obey God, who has no needs and has demonstrated a devotion to our well-being, is freedom. If you believe that God's directives are demeaning or sexist, you don't know Him. His only motive is your joy, peace and abundant life. In this, you obey by faith.
Through Jesus’ sacrifice, God has demonstrated an unwavering devotion to our well-being and our best in every way. Those who are wise and aware of this find obeying His instructions very rewarding (Matthew 7:24).
As our Creator, He understands and incorporates the limitations and impediments of our fallen nature in forming His directives. His directives, when we strive to obey them, make us aware of our fallen nature in the hope that we will seek His help to overcome it. Denying the existence of that nature ensures we never escape its clutches, nor will we ever experience the joy of a life free of it. The absence of joy, happiness, and success will always be perceived as the fault of others. That is our nature.
A scorpion approaches a frog, “Will you give me a ride across the river?”
“No,” said the frog, “you will sting me.”
“Why would I do that to you when you’re helping me across?” argues the scorpion.
After considering, the frog answers, “In that case, okay. I’ll ferry you across.”
They set out, but before they reach the other side, the frog feels a sharp sting on its back.
“Why did you sting me?" screamed the frog in pain.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I guess it’s just in my nature,” the scorpion pleaded.
By the term 'nature,' I refer to the character qualities or attributes by which we think, feel and act toward others.
Scripture implies Adam and Eve had not taken the fruit of the 'Tree of Life.' Jesus describes himself as the 'Bread of life.' This tree represented His nature for good. Instead, they chose the tree of the knowledge of good with evil. They shared with all of mankind a nature having a capacity for evil—Satan's nature, the Narcissism spectrum involving self-infatuation, self-deification, self-delusion and self-righteousness with little regard for others. (For more information on Narcissism).
The first indication of the fall was their self-awareness—they were naked. Was there a difference between the fall's effect on Eve versus Adam? Today, which gender gives more time to self-image—makeup, hair styles, clothing, selfies, appearance, high heels, diets, plastic surgery, gossip, etc.?
To contrast our fallen nature, God gave us His standard for the nature we need to enjoy a relationship with Him and thrive in relationships. Adhering to His standard makes us aware of our inability to change our fallen nature. Awareness is the essential first step toward change and freedom from its control over us.
It is beyond our means to overcome that nature, but when we become aware of it, we must acknowledge it as our own. Only then can we yield it to Him, asking for His help in progressively removing its influence from our lives. This process is called sanctification.
If we admit to our fallen nature, He, being just, will be faithful to cleanse us of it. (my paraphrase of 1 John 1:9).
At least some of the Twelve Step program of Alcoholics or Gamblers Anonymous almost perfectly mirrors the approach we must take to find freedom from slavery to our fallen nature:
- admitted we are powerless to win against that sin issue
- believe that God wants to give us victory over that issue
- determine to turn that area of our lives over to God
- examine the ways that issue is affecting our life and relationships
- confess the issue to God, to ourselves, and to another individual
- be ready to have God remove the issue
- asked Him to remove this issue
- list all people we have harmed and be willing to make amends
I believe marriage is God’s primary workbench for revealing, confronting, addressing, and correcting issues of our fallen nature and motivating our desire for sanctification—the process of being free of sin's dictates.
God has a few basic yet crucial instructions for the marriage relationship that target the effects of the fall. Our determined obedience and His strength will bring results.
- love your wife at least as much as you love yourself
- serve and protect her as you would a prized or delicate possession
- keep placing yourself under your husband’s authority as if he were Jesus
- fear—revere and respect—him since it is God who has appointed him as your overseer (see Spiritual Authority)
These directives are not requests made by your spouse. They are requests asked of you by your loving Creator, who gave his all for you. If that doesn't motivate you to follow these directives, you need to examine your commitment to the Lord—if you love Him, you will keep His commandments (John 10:10).
We need to be clear. The command is specifically for the wife to be submissive to her husband. It is not about women being submissive to men in general.
A favourite mantra parroted by feminists is, 'I'll not be any man's doormat!' and you ought not to be—that unless that man is your husband. For men, there is the fear of being perceived as a 'SIMP' by a domineering wife. If we love God, our mantra would be, 'If God wants me to serve my husband (and He does)...' I want to, or, 'If God wants me to serve my wife (and He does)...' I want to with God helping me. As we determine to obey, we will face our ugly nature and learn to ask God to help us overcome it. That's the whole point!
"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God... made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant" Philippians 2:5-7 (NIV).
Since sanctification is sometimes defined as becoming Christ-like, and Jesus took on the nature of a servant, perhaps 'sanctification' could also mean 'learning to serve.' God would not require mutual submission within the body of Christ and wives to their husbands within the home if there were no direct blessings in it for us all.
Where these directives are husband-wife specific, they make sense when viewed in light of our fall into sin in Eden (Genesis 3). If you feel they are restrictive or show gender bias, you don't know God.
In Eden, Satan approached the woman (later named Eve). We are not told if Adam had been approached earlier, but if so, it was unsuccessful. Against Eve, he was and continues to be. Had Adam failed to protect Eve, being consumed with another interest? Perhaps. Most Bible translations read that Adam was 'with her'; however, those words are not in the original text. To suggest that Adam was beside her during this conversation should imply they were both deceived and bring into question the truth of Paul's statement:
“And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.” 1 Timothy 2:14, 2 Corinthians 11:3.
The woman was deceived into believing that she would not die, but instead, she would become like God. On entertaining that lie, she reached out and took and ate the fruit. The half-truth of Satan's lie became a reality—she received the narcissistic traits of self-infatuation, self-deification, and self-righteousness. When confronted, she blamed the 'Shining One'1—this being the classic response of a narcissist—it is never their fault.
Since confessing (admitting to our sin) is required for cleansing, the narcissist, who will not own their sin, faces a terrible future. A more immediate dilemma of a Narcissist is their lack of joy. They believe they'll experience joy when they finally achieve control. Joy, God's joy, comes only through serving, not from being served.
What made Eve vulnerable to Satan's deception? We are told that pride was Satan's downfall; perhaps it was his rebellion against the notion that he was created to be a "ministering spirit" serving mankind (Hebrews 1:14). Did he play on that same notion that, rather than Eve's status as a helper for Adam, she could be like God—served? The same desire that led to Satan's downfall—seeking to be served rather than serving. Does God have the right to create Eve to be a 'helper'?
Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use? Romans 9:21.
What offering in Satan's persuasion enticed Eve to obey him rather than God? Was it that the fruit was pleasing to the eye or that, by eating it, she would improve her status to God-like? We can deduce the latter—improving her status—when we 'reverse engineer' God's judgment and His revelation:
1) Judgement or Healing? - “I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children.
2) Judgement or Revelation? - You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 (NET).
Eve's rebellion resulted in two consequences—a judgment or revelation against her physically (explained below), i.e., that she would now experience pain in childbirth, and, the revelation that her action would impact how she would relate to her husband—the conflict and frustration of his authority to rule and her fallen nature to dominate.
What was the purpose of making childbirth painful for Eve and all women thereafter? Was it punishment, or was there a loving purpose? If it were punishment for the billions of women affected by Eve's disobedience, it would seem to me to be vindictive and not God's fatherly nature.
There may have been a higher purpose, as we'll soon see.
Eve's transgression harmed the character/nature of women, and when Adam followed, it impacted all of mankind thereafter. We call it the fallen nature, the flesh, the old man, etc. It's that part in us that, as gods, wants to rule over those around us and do whatever we like.
In 1 Timothy 2:15, Paul writes:
Nevertheless [women] will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control. (NKJV)
While a pastoral counsellor, I learned that a "significant emotional event" (Massey) is necessary to achieve a lasting change of character. When Paul writes of women being "saved" in or through childbirth, he uses the Greek word sōzō, which can also mean "healed."
I would posit that God had/has a good purpose in the pain of childbirth. That experience could be that "significant emotional event." The willingness of the woman to submit to the trauma of the pain, followed by a lifestyle change from self-sufficiency to self-sacrifice in nurturing and lovingly serving a very needy baby, could be the catalyst to initiate a character/nature change. Submitting to this trauma initiates the healing of her nature from a desire to rule back into the Potter's intended role: serving. I suggest it's an initiating factor in that Paul adds, "if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control," which suggests that, because the old nature continues to try to assert itself, she will need to be vigilant in her determination to put that old nature to death.
What then of those who are barren in marriage?
Their fallen nature's drive to dominate has not been 'healed" by the experience of serving by giving birth to and raising a newborn. They would have to work even more diligently to "continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control” in applying them to obey God's directives. At the same time, it requires a patient, understanding, and encouraging husband who loves her more than his life.
Some versions read, “Yet your desire will be for your husband.” Having a desire for your husband seems lacking as a divine revelation since there was no one else with whom Eve could relate. The key hinges on this unique Aramaic word, teshuqah, translated here as 'desire' (see 'What is a woman's Desire?' by Susan T. Foh). This word occurs only three times in scripture (here, Genesis 4:7 and Song of Solomon 7:10).
In Genesis 4:7, God warns Cain that sin controls his feelings against Abel. We find the same Aramaic word for 'desire' used:
"And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:7.
“I am my beloved’s, And his desire is for me." Song of Songs 7:10 (NASB).
The implication is that sin's desire sought to control Cain to do harm to Abel. The New English Translation (NET) and New Living Translation (NLT) read, “Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” God made it Cain's responsibility to master or subdue that desire. This understanding—that 'desire' refers to sin's determination to control her actions—is in line with the frequent New Testament injunction that, like God's instruction to Cain, the wife is responsible for subduing the desire to rule and to put herself under her husband's authority.
In Song of Songs, she answers her beloved's 'desire' in verse 12, "There I will give you my love."
Applying that deduction to God's judgement against Eve, some versions use the conjunction ‘but’ to infer a conflict between her ‘desire’ and God’s directive that “he will rule.” Other translations have interpreted this verse as:
“You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” (NLT, NET).
This is not a case where women, in general, are required to submit to men, only a wife to their husband.
We see this fallen nature at work in Sarah, Abraham's wife. God promised Abram that he would be the father of many children. As his wife, and while still barren, Sarah took it upon herself to 'give' Hagar to Abraham so he could have children. Abraham "listened to the voice of his wife." This act resulted in thousands of years of nation-to-nation conflict that continues to afflict all of Abraham’s offspring today.
This nature/desire to dominate people and control situations is not only destructive to relationships, but it also robs women of the harmony and joy that God intends when following His directives. God provides a solution, but it requires obedience.
Imagine you were adopted and unaware you had Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome (NAS). This is a condition whereby your birth mother was a drug addict when you were born. Consequently, you, too, are an addict. It’s now in your nature. If you were given a narcotic, you would immediately rekindle your innate bondage to that addiction as though you were the original, willing addict. In the same way, reformed alcoholics, gamblers, shoppers, etc., must abstain from that practice for the rest of their lives to avoid addiction because it remains in their nature.
Would it be wrong for your adoptive parents to withhold this information from you? Of course, it would. Would a desire not to hurt your feelings be a justification for not telling you? You could, unknowingly, find yourself back into a severe addictive pattern. However, if you knew it and its seriousness, you could avoid the trap. Would that knowledge rob you of freedom, or would you willingly surrender it to free yourself of the potentially deeper bondage of the addiction? It would be a small sacrifice for the greater enjoyment of life.
Similarly, this verse reveals to Eve—and wives in general—that they have a Neonatal addiction toward controlling their husbands, conflicting with the fact that generally, he is physically stronger and carries God's mandate to rule. This innate desire to control the husband is a root issue for failed marriages, driven by the misdirected belief that she can't be happy until she finally controls him. The world media propagates the lie that joy comes via the freedom to smoke cigarettes (the torches of freedom of the early 1900s), the pursuit of a career (1950s), the liberation movements (1960s), TV programs like "Married with Kids" or "Home Improvement" depicting incompetent husbands rescued by competent wives. These programs promise joy, but God’s word says they will not deliver.
New Testament writings affirm women’s struggle in the fallen nature and provide God's solution for achieving joy:
“The wives, be putting yourselves in subjection with implicit obedience to your own husbands as to the Lord” Ephesians 5:22, 24 (Wuest).
“Wives, be constantly subjecting yourselves with implicit obedience to your husbands as you ought to do in the Lord.” Colossians 3:18 (Wuest).
“women… be… subject to their own husbands” Titus 2:5.
The husband is never instructed to subjugate his wife. This, we'll see, violates God's instructions to men. Conversely, the wife must fight that internal desire to control her husband.
Paul writes:
But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man. 1 Timothy 2:12 (NET)
This position of authority may place a woman in the position of triggering her Neonatal Syndrome in the same way as giving a drink to a reformed alcoholic. The woman, too, like the reformed addict, needs to be diligent to avoid those situations for her well-being.
Further to this, we read Jesus' words in Matthew 19:8:
Jesus said to them, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of your hard hearts, but from the beginning, it was not this way.
The Greek word used for 'hard hearts' here is the feminine form of sklērokardia, which Strong's Dictionary defines as a compound word meaning hard or tough of heart or feelings. It implies stubbornness or unwillingness to change. Are you unwilling to submit to your husband per God's directive, per the Potter's design?
“…does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?” Romans 9:21.
Is Jesus here saying that Moses (i.e., God's Law) permitted men to 'put away' the wife if she proved stubborn and unchanging?
In the passage from Deuteronomy 24:1-4, divorce is justified when "he has found some indecency in her..." Can we assume the cause goes both ways, i.e., 'she finds indecency in him,' or is that messing with God's words, as we are warned not to do? (Read Divorce and Remarriage)
As He did with Cain, God makes it the woman’s responsibility to master, overrule, or deliberately act contrary to that fallen desire within her nature—and to do so successfully when she seeks His help. Nowhere is a husband given the responsibility to subjugate or force his wife to change; he is, however, commanded to love and serve her sacrificially, as we'll see.
When confronted, Adam stated, “The woman whom you gave me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Although there is a deflection or blame in the phrase, "whom you gave me," the remainder of his excuse is simply a statement of fact.
In Adam’s case, God’s judgment was not against him physically but against his role on the earth, which was cursed against his labour and efforts to produce food from it.
“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife... cursed is the ground... in toil... By the sweat of your face you will eat bread" Genesis 3:17-19 (NASB).
Adam listened to his wife's voice, which suggests he was aware of the fruit's origin.
Adam was created to serve the earth and everything in it. Because of his failure, the earth came under a curse and rebelled against his rule. Please note that Adam's sin was that he "listened to (obeyed) the voice of his wife" and violated God's command. For that reason, the ground was no longer cooperative.
As a result of Adam’s part in the fall, it has become the husband’s fallen nature to thrust himself with singular focus into tasks like work, golf, fishing, etc., leaving his wife feeling abandoned and not cherished (this feeds her efforts to control his activities). Is this why God commands the husband to love his wife to the same degree as he loves himself and more than his interests?
Do men tend to obey the ‘voice’ of their wives, making God's directive that he would, or should, rule necessary? Or perhaps it's little boys who are trained to obey their mothers, a training which they carry into marriage?
“For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church...” Ephesians 5:23.
“Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman” 1 Corinthians 11:3.
In this last verse, we have God's design for the family unit.
While it could be argued that a husband who loves his wife in this way would be easy to submit to, don't be fooled into blaming the other for our failure to do God's word. It's in our nature to 'act' submissive to coerce love or 'act' loving to compel submission. God is not fooled. Acting as though we have accomplished the real thing is a lie.
Relationship defects, the fruit of the fall, continue to plague husbands and wives today. They empower strife, feminism, machoism, and all manner of social conflicts that destroy relationships, marriages, and families.
Once the fruit of the fall is finally dealt a death blow, will the inequalities in spousal roles be necessary? As an interesting note, before the fall, when God saw all He had created as good, the woman's purpose was to be Adam's helpmate. I suspect submission was natural to their relationship.
The joy that our heavenly Father intended in the marriage relationship comes when, in obedience to God, husbands treat their wives as the precious gift that they are. Wives are to fear and give themselves in submission to their husbands. When we do, our lives will be overtaken with unquenchable joy.
Can we choose which of God's directives we will adhere to? Can we be partly committed, or must it be total? The nature of salvation is an exchange; Jesus gave His all for us and, in exchange, we offer our all to him. Anything less is not worthy of him (Matthew 10:37-39).
And the person who keeps his commandments resides in God, and God in him. 1 John 3:24 (NET).
If you find God's directives to be repulsive or sexist, you don't know God and have not overcome the "desire" which enslaves and robs you of what you seek most—Joy.
In these last days, Satan is again enticing women to be like god. His message comes through media and books, where women regularly overpower and outshine men in adventure movies and television commercials. They are programming our behaviours. When women attempt to achieve these same advantages over men, the result is further frustration and loss of joy in our inability to reach standards designed for failure. How many cliffs does one launch from before acknowledging we were not designed for flight?
Better to follow God's directives than Satan's lies.
The book of Judges in the Old Testament provides many examples of the benefits of following God's instructions. When we do what we think is right, implying it is contrary to God's instructions, we find ourselves oppressed, ill at ease, and without joy. When we repent and follow God's directives, we prosper and rest in joy and peace.
God's directives are not interdependent, which means if one spouse is remiss in doing their part, the other is not exempt from doing theirs, but neither is your reward dependent on their obedience—only on yours.
We can master these fallen nature issues through Christ, our strength.
Again, we can only experience His joy, peace and abundant life by doing God's word. As with all of God's promises, He tells us:
"Test Me now in this,” says the LORD of hosts, “if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows. Then I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy." Malachi 3:10-11.
1 per Dr. Michael S Heiser, "Ha Nachash" is better translated as "the Shining One." This is congruent with scripture's reference to Satan's involvement with the fall. Link
